Today, I would like to address an issue near and dear to my heart – baldness.
Yes, you read that correctly – “baldness” – as in hair-loss, alopecia,
madarosis, glabreity, chrome-domeness and cue-ballness.
To begin with, I believe that baldness is the least understood condition
affecting human beings. Even those humans directly affected by baldness don’t
seem to understand much about it. For example, a lot of guys who notice their
hair disappearing will say
something like, “Gee, it looks like I’m going bald”! This
statement just doesn’t make sense at all. Guys can go fishing, they can
go on the wagon, they can even go animal – but they cannot “go” bald
– bald comes to them!
Now I know some of you are probably saying, “Okay, that may be true for
people who are naturally bald. But what about guys who shave off all their
hair – aren’t they ‘going’ bald”?
The answer is no. Guys who shave their heads are not “going” bald
– they are “going” nuts. These are fellows who sit around wondering, “Gee,
what could I possibly do to increase my chances of getting skin cancer”?
This query then being followed by: “Hey, I know what I’ll do! I’m
going to expose my entire head to ultraviolet radiation”!
By the time male members of the human species reach the age of 50, half of
them will have lost enough hair to be snickered at behind their backs. Male
patterned baldness, as it is called, comes in one of two forms; either loss
of hair beginning from the front of
the head, which is characterized by a man’s sudden affinity for hats.
Or hair loss beginning from the back of the head, which is characterized by
finding women who are standing behind you, using your head to adjust their
Hair loss is a multi-billion dollar business. It is also the one and only
business that exists legally for no tangible reason. I mean, think about this!
of dollars spent every year to deal with something that doesn’t exist!
The weight-loss business is worth billions of dollars but it deals with something
real and tangible – fat. Cosmetic surgery is worth billions too, but
it also deals with something tangible – saggy skin. It is only the hair
loss business that thrives on something that does not exist – nonexistent
hair! I mean if someone were to charge you big money to conjure up one of your
dead ancestors in a séance, they could wind up in jail for fraud. But
if they charge you big bucks to conjure up a follicle on your shiny
dome, it’s perfectly legal –
even if no follicle ever
The pharmaceutical companies have jumped through this legal loophole in a
big way. Today they offer topical creams and shampoos as well as pills that
are supposed to make hair
grow. But every one of these products comes packaged with a warning that reads, “This
product will not to work on some people”. Hmmm, I wonder if it’s
the people who actually count each of their hairs before and after use of the
product that finds the product doesn’t work on them? And do they offer
your money back if it doesn’t work for you?
Hell no, Baldy!
Can you imagine some poor old fortune-teller standing before the judge and
telling him, “Well your honor, on the bottom of my crystal ball in small
print it warns that my spells may not work for everyone? But my fee is still
This whole hair restoration thing just doesn’t make any sense to me.
I think these billions of dollars could be put to a lot better use by developing
something useful, like a product to get rid of nose and ear hair, rather than
making something appear on top of a shiny pate that just isn’t meant
to be fertile ground!
Let’s say that one more time: IT AIN’T MEANT TO BE FERTILE GROUND!
You see, the real and simple truth of the matter is that men go bald because
it is necessary for the survival of the species. That’s right – if
it weren’t for baldness, humans would not exist!
I mean really, this is a no-brainer. We are all engineers, so let’s look
at the math. To begin with, all hair has a life cycle. And every day, approximately
100 hairs die on the scalps of every human being and fall off. That’s
a fact! So with approximately 6 billion people on the planet, if everyone had
hair on their heads, that number would equate to 600 billion hairs floating
around every single day! Which in-turn equates to nearly 22 TRILLION HAIRS
Can you possibly imagine what would happen if all that hair was being deposited
on the Earth every single year? And
this doesn’t even take into account those hairs covered in mousse and
A few million years ago, the Wooly Mammoth was one of the most common forms
of life on the planet. So what happened to these great beasts? They choked
themselves into extinction on giant Wooly Mammoth hairballs!
Do you really think our prehistoric ancestors didn’t see this? Do you
really think that this Wooly Mammoth apocalypse didn’t register into
human DNA? Do you really think this catastrophe didn’t result in the
evolutionary response of male patterned baldness in order to preserve and maintain
the human species?
Don’t be ridicules. It’s as plain as the hair on your head!
Through evolution, the male human species was programmed to lose their hair,
lest the planet become uninhabitable! And that’s the simple truth. And
if any of these mad scientists actually come up with some concoction
that stops male patterned
baldness, we can kiss this
planet goodbye –assuming we can dig down far
enough through the hair
to reach the planet!
So you may ask, what about the other half of all men who don’t become
bald? What made them skip this human evolutionary leap? Well, we still haven’t
discovered the exact reason for this but there are several theories. One such
theory holds that these men don’t really come from Earth. They are really
descendents of horrible aliens that came here to Earth, took on human form
and are trying to mate with Earth women in order to take over the planet.
I don’t know how much actual truth there is in that theory, but a lot
of bald guys tell me it goes over fairly well while trying to pick-up women